Azariah's Regret
by QueenTheirin24
Summary: Azariah Cousland was still grieving and beating herself up over her family's deaths until Alistair helps her realize that it was not the end, but a new beginning.


It started one night at camp; Alistair was walking passed Azariah's tent when he heard the sound of crying. He became concerned and wandered inside, and he found her asleep in her bedroll, but with tears streaming down her face.

 _Azariah was back in Highever Castle during Howe's siege, and had just watched as his men killed her lover, Dairren, and afterwards, found her sister-in-law and nephew already dead. "No!" She screamed in anger and sadness as she fell to her knees. "Please, Maker, no! This can't be happening!"_

 _"Azariah…" Her mother's voice spoke, and she looked up at her. "Come on, we need to find your father."_

 _Azariah nodded and the three of them (her, her mother, and Tucker, her mabari) made their way through the castle until the found Bryce in the larder of the kitchen, so badly wounded that he couldn't even stand. "Father!" She and Eleanor ran over. "Father, come on, get up! We have to get out of here, now!"_

 _"I can't… the castle is surrounded… I'll never make it." He said, clearly in pain._

 _"That's not true!" Azariah cried desperately. "If we leave now, I can make sure you're safe, both you and mother!"_

 _"Ah… my darling girl… if only will alone could make such a thing possible…"_

 _"_ I _can make such a thing possible myself! I can!"_

 _"Azariah… it's over. You have to let go." He said, but his tone no longer held any pain; he sounded completely fine, albeit sad._

 _"Huh?" Azariah asked, and suddenly, the castle's surroundings dissolved around her, as did Eleanor and Tucker, and she was standing in a clearing by a pond. She recognized this place; she and her father would come down here all the time to look up at the stars and talk._

 _Her father was now standing in front of her, completely unharmed. "Azariah… my dearest daughter…" He walked towards her, "The pain and guilt you're putting yourself through is eating away at you. You have to let go."_

 _Azariah's hands balled into fists as she tried her hardest to not completely break down. "How can I?" She asked with a quiet sob. "Yours and mother's deaths were my fault! I left you both, knowing that I would never see you two again! How can I possibly forgive myself?!"_

 _"You didn't have a choice. If you had stayed, you'd be dead, too."_

 _"At least then I would've died knowing that I tried to protect you both, instead of running away and leaving you to your fates!"_

 _"Azariah…" Bryce pulled her into a hug, and she completely broke down then, clinging to him as she sobbed. "What happened was not your fault. You did everything you could, and your mother and I died knowing that at least you would be saved; that's part of what being a parent is about, protecting your children, no matter the cost to yourself."_

 _"Why?" She sobbed again. "Why did you have to go? I miss you all so much!"_

 _"Every living thing eventually dies, but where one thing falls, another will grow. It may not be what was there before, but it's something new and wonderful all the same."_

 _"But I feel so alone…" Azariah said, still clinging to him._

 _"You're not alone, Azariah, you have made new friends. This is your chance to start anew, and remember that we are always with you, even when you can't see us." Bryce then placed his hands on her shoulders and lightly pushed her back, "Now, Azariah… wake up."_

Azariah's eyes suddenly snapped open and she bolted upright, "Father!" She looked around and saw Alistair kneeling in front of her with his hands on her shoulders, and she realized it had just been a dream. "Alistair…"

"Azariah, what happened? Talk to me." Alistair said, concern evident in his tone.

Azariah threw her arms around Alistair's neck, hugging him, "It's just not fair…"

"What? What's not fair?"

"My family is gone… I am alone."

Alistair's golden-brown eyes softened and he wrapped his arms around her waist and held her gently against him as she buried her face into the crook of his neck and cried. "Azariah, you're not alone. We're all here for you… _I'm_ here for you." He rubbed her back as he whispered comfortingly to her, "I promise, I won't let anyone or anything hurt you ever again." He pulled back just enough so he could look at her face and gazed into her beautiful, baby blue eyes. "Now, come on. Cheer up, please? I hate seeing you like this." Azariah just looked away, so he sighed and then tried a different tactic. "Would you like me to stay here tonight?" Azariah thought for a moment before nodding. Alistair pushed her away a bit before lying down next to her, inside her bedroll, and when she laid back down, she laid her head on his chest and could hear his heart beating. The sound seemed to comfort and calm her, and her eyelids fluttered closed, and she started drifting back to sleep as she heard him whisper, "Good night, Azariah, try to have pleasant dreams."

The next morning, Azariah woke up to the feeling of someone rubbing her back and whispering calming words to her. She looked up and saw Alistair, who smiled at her after realizing she was awake, "Well, good morning, sleepyhead. Are you feeling better?"

"I suppose…" Azariah sighed as she sat up. "I owe you an apology."

"What? Why are you apologizing?" Alistair asked as he sat up, too.

"Last night, you did not see me at my best, and I regret that I let you see me that way."

"Azariah…" He whispered before cupping her chin between his thumb and forefinger and had her look him in the eyes. "You have nothing to apologize for. You were grieving and upset, I understand. I just hate seeing you like that because I want you to be happy; I like seeing a smile on that beautiful face."

Azariah's eyes widened a bit in shock. "You think I'm beautiful?"

"I… did I say beautiful?" Alistair asked, a bit nervously.

"Yes, I believe you did." Alistair smiled at her, so she asked, "What?"

"There's the smile I like!"

Azariah laughed and leaned over, giving Alistair a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you for making me feel better!" She got up and headed to the tent flap, but before she left, she turned back to him and added, "And you are quite handsome!" She winked at him and walked out.

Alistair just blinked a couple times in awe of what just happened as he placed his hand against the cheek that Azariah had just kissed and grinned from ear to ear; he wasted no time in following her out.

That night, Azariah, Alistair, Tucker, and Leliana got back to camp from the Brecilian Forest. It was after midnight, and Leliana said goodnight to them before heading to her tent to get some sleep. Azariah looked down at Tucker as he yawned, and she said, "Maybe you should get some rest, too, boy." He just sat down and stared up at her in response; ever the loyal guard dog, Tucker never fell asleep until Azariah did. "Suit yourself, but I'm probably going to be up for a while longer, writing in my journal."

"You have a journal?" Alistair asked.

"I actually just got it, because I got to thinking when we were helping the Dalish… so much of their history has been lost, and even a lot of human history has, too. Even history that hasn't been lost tends to get told wrong since the details get obscured by each re-telling. Therefore, I decided to get a journal and document our adventures myself, so that maybe one day, someone can read it and know exactly what happened."

"That's a good idea!"

"Thanks, I thought so, too!"

"So what are you going to start with?" Alistair asked as he watched her sit by the campfire with her journal, ink, and quill.

"I'm actually going to start with how this adventure really began for me, in Highever. I want history to know that Rendon Howe was a traitor and a murderer!" She said, practically growling out his name in anger.

"…I'm sorry." Alistair said sadly.

"Huh? Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry that I never got the chance to meet your family… to save them."

"It's alright… I've been trying to make my peace with it since it happened, but…" She sighed, "As you saw last night, it still haunts me…"

Alistair walked over and sat next to her, leaning back a bit, getting comfortable. "Tell me about them."

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything, everything… what were their names, how old were they, how close were you with them… that sort of thing."

Azariah gave him a small smile and asked, "Do you really want to know, or are you asking because you're hope that talking about them will make me feel better?"

"Can't it be both?" He asked with a smile of his own, and Azariah laughed.

"Alright." Azariah leaned back against Tucker after he laid down behind her so she had a bit of support. "Well, there was my father, Bryce Cousland, Teyrn of Highever; I was closer with him than anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I was close with all my family members, but my father and I had a special connection. He wasn't just my father, he was my best friend, and the one person I felt I could talk to about anything…" She trailed off as tears formed in her eyes, but she then thought of something and laughed.

"What's so funny?" Alistair asked with a smile.

"It's just strange…" She chuckled, "My brother was a mama's boy, and I was a daddy's girl."

"So, your brother was close with your mother?"

"Mm-hm." She nodded. "Fergus and mother's relationship was a lot like mine and father's. Anyway, I kind of got off topic a bit, didn't I?"

"I don't mind. I enjoy listening to you talk!"

Azariah smiled, "Still, let me get back on topic. There was my mother, too, of course; her name was Eleanor, and she and my father had known each other all their lives. When Fergus and I were kids, I used to beg my parents to tell me the story of how they fell in love; it was my favorite! Then, there was my brother, Fergus; he and I were really close, too, despite him being six years older than me. When he was 19, he got married to an Antivan woman, Oriana, and she and I became friends. They had a son together, my nephew, Oren… he never got to reach his ninth birthday…"

"He was only eight years old?"

Azariah nodded, "Howe's men are ruthless criminals who have no hearts; they don't care who the kill…"

"I'm sorry, Azariah…"

"It's fine, really… thank you for letting me talk to you about my family; it feels good to remember the good times I had with them."

"Well, you did the same thing for me when Duncan died, so I figured, it's only fair." He said, and there was silence between them for a moment before he spoke up again, "So, you and your father were really close, huh?" Azariah nodded. "So, do you take after him?"

"In many ways, yes, but I also have some qualities from my mother. For example, I've been training as a warrior since I was ten, and I definitely have my father's strength and stubbornness, but he used to tell me that I also have my mother's charm and sharp tongue."

"Who do you look more like?"

"Oh, definitely my father; I'm the spitting image of him. I have the same brown hair, same olive-colored skin, same blue eyes, everything."

"You got your eyes from your father?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, your eyes are beautiful. I guess I'm just surprised that they came from your father's side of the family."

Azariah chuckled, "Who says men can't have beautiful eyes, hm?" She leaned in closer to him and looked right into his eyes. "I happen to think that _you_ have beautiful eyes."

"Really?" He blushed.

"Really."

Alistair chuckled, feeling rather giddy now, and then, he suddenly remembered something, "Oh, you know what? I have something I've been wanting to show you!" He got up and said, "Wait right here!" He ran to his tent and came back a moment later carrying a beautifully vibrant red rose gently, like it was made of glass. He then presented it to her, "Here, look at this. Do you know what this is?"

Azariah raised an eyebrow, "Is this a trick question?"

"Yes, absolutely! I'm trying to trick you? Is it working? Aw, I just about had you, didn't I?" He teased.

Azariah just shook her head with a smile and replied, "Yes, I know what that is; it's a rose."

"I picked it in Lothering. I remember thinking, "how could something so beautiful exist in a place with so much despair and ugliness?" I probably should've left it alone, but I couldn't… the darkspawn would come and their taint would just destroy it… so, I've had it ever since."

"That's a nice sentiment, Alistair, but why exactly are you telling me this?"

"Because I…I thought that I might… give it to you, actually." He held it out to her, "In a lot of ways, I think the same thing when I look at you." His face was bright red.

Azariah looked a bit shocked before she smiled again and took the rose, breathing in its beautiful aroma and putting it in her hair, being careful of the thorns. "Thank you, Alistair, I love it."

"Good! I'm glad!" He breathed a sigh of relief. "I just want you to know that I really care about you, and also that you really are such a rare and wonderful thing to find amidst all this… darkness."

Azariah leaned over and kissed Alistair on the cheek. "Thank you! You really are very sweet!"

"You're welcome!" Things became silent between them for a moment until Alistair cleared his throat and spoke up again, "So, um… can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Have you… ever been in love?"

"I've had a few lovers in my past, so yes. Why do you ask?"

"Well, um… to be honest, I… you know I really care about you, and I…I think I may even be in love with you. I was just… hoping you might feel the same way, and… Maker, I must sound like a bumbling fool!"

Azariah giggled, "A bit, but I still think you're very sweet!"

Alistair chuckled nervously, and asked, "So, do you think you could ever… feel the same way about me?"

"Well… you're very sweet, handsome, and funny, and I love having you around, but… in all honesty, it's a bit too soon to say for sure."

Alistair cupped Azariah's chin and had her look at him. "Well, is it… too soon for this?" He leaned forward and captured her lips in a passionate kiss.

Azariah's eyes widened in shock at the sudden intimate motion, but soon, she relaxed and kissed him back as she wrapped her arms around his neck, running her fingers through his short blonde hair. When he pulled away, Azariah slowly opened her eyes and saw him looking at her expectantly, and that's when she remembered that he'd asked a question; she licked her lips and replied, "No, that wasn't too soon. I liked it."

"Good! I'll take that as a good sign!" Alistair said happily and placed his hand against her cheek, stroking it lightly with his thumb as he gazed into her eyes and sighed happily. "Maker's breath, you're so beautiful… I am a lucky man!"

Azariah gave him a sweet smile as happy tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm the lucky one!" She hugged him, and felt him hug her back as she continued, "My father was right… this is my chance to start anew."

–Roughly six months later–

The blight was now over, thanks to Azariah's, and all her friends, efforts. Alistair had been made King after the landsmeet recognized him and Maric's son, and he and Azariah were engaged.

One afternoon, out in the city square, Azariah was helping with repairs to the buildings after the darkspawn siege, and was also helping by distributing goods to the citizens and workers. She had even poured her own coin into the city coffers to help everything along, and everyone was grateful.

"You're doing a great job, Azariah!" Fergus said proudly, standing next to her as she looked over her checklist. "I'm so proud of you, and I know father would be, too!"

"Thank you, Fergus! That means a lot to me!"

"You deserve it! You are a wonderful woman!"

"That's why I am truly blessed to have her!" Someone said, and they both turned around to see Alistair walking over to them. "You are so amazing, Azariah! So smart, kind, and brave!"

"Come on, Alistair, you're making me blush."

"You deserve all the praise in the world, my love," He took her hand and kissed it "And I intend to do everything in my power to make you happy!"

"I'm glad you feel that way, Your Majesty, because my little sister should get only the best!" Fergus said as he ruffled her hair, and she laughed, batting his hand away playfully. "Right, pup?" Fergus winked at Azariah after purposely using the nickname their parents had given her.

Azariah smiled, "I love you, too, big brother!" She then turned back to Alistair and said, "And the only thing I need to be happy is you two!" She gave him a hug, but when she looked behind him, she gasped silently; there, a few feet away, she saw her family. Her father, mother, sister-in-law, and nephew were all there, albeit they were transparent, but they were there!

"I could not be more proud of you and your brother, my darling girl!" She heard her father say. "And remember, that we will always be with both of you!" With that, they disappeared into thin air.

Tears welled up in Azariah's eyes, not sad tears, but happy ones! _'I know, father, and we will all be together again someday!'_ She thought and buried her face into Alistair's neck.

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